DEATH OF A WRITER
by Jane Clement
One of writing's most eccentric figures has departed for the great slush pile in the sky. Novelist Jane Clement, 89, died at her Sydney home on Monday from a severe case of writer's block.
Jane was best known for her controversial work, "I Suffered For My Writing, Now It's Your Turn." In last year's film, Gwen Paltry played the story's central character, June Clairmont, a writing genius who is misunderstood by everyone, especially the Booker Prize judges. The New York Times described the production as "The most self-serving piece of crap to emerge from Hollywood since the last one." On the day of its release, writers around the world went on strike in protest. The movie won Paltry an Oscar for Best Performance Illustrating Why English Actors Should Play English Characters.
Jane was born in Wyre Piddle, England. Her father, Henry Clement, was a
headmaster who lived his life by the book. Unfortunately, the book was
MEIN KAMPF. Jane studied in the hallowed halls of Brummagem University, where she majored in seducing her tutor, novelist Nicholas Knight. After Nicholas's messy divorce, Jane fled to Australia, where she lived on the Nullarbor Plain and tried to establish herself as a bush poet. Thwarted by the area's lack of cappuccino machines, she headed for the bright lights of Sydney to write the Great Australian Novel. Her first attempt, "Don't Call Me Sheila, Bruce," sold poorly, forcing Jane into prostitution. However, she soon realized there was no money in public relations and decided to follow the proud example of generations of struggling female writers before her: she married someone with money--two people, in fact. The bigamy case is still pending.
Jane leaves one legal husband, Mike Cash. Her entire estate was bequeathed to the Sydney Home for the Artistically Misunderstood (SHAM).